“It is a shame that you aren’t married yet! You are too beautiful. So, tell me why you didn’t find the “right one” yet?” 

A question especially we women hear a lot. The social norm that we should marry at a certain age, makes society curious, why we are different. There must be something wrong with us – would some people say. Starting to find a mistake in our character or personality, lets us feel less worthy than someone who has already fulfilled the social norm. The standard that we are only allowed to be happy, if we had married someone before we lose our worth (the biological clock is a popular argument for being married before 30), makes us feel guilty. But is that right?

In our twenties, society already starts to take care about our relationship status. From then onwards they add every birthday 10 years to our age. At 25-30 we are a teethless granny or grandpa in their eyes. Our biological decay just begun.

Are you a leftover woman or man? Congrats, then this article is especially written for you. If you are happily married with kids, continue reading too – you will understand how unmarried men and women suffer from the pressure of society.

The non supportive surrounding

Last week I was curious about what other women experience when they are “in the right age” (by the way who defines what is right and what not?”). I found out, that even the nearest friends and family can make you feel bad because of the circumstances in your life. Friends stop talking to you, because they have chosen another path in life. The family gets distant and men and women are bothering to find out, what is wrong. Being beautiful, intelligent and ambitious makes the people even more curious. Like

“Why he or she seems to be perfect but did not find someone to marry?”

Friends who judge your worth by your relationship status, never were your friends. They maybe acted for months or years as if, but if they can drop you for a reason you did not pick out yourself, how deep was that relationship? When we are in an age above 25 or 30, there should not be time and space for superficial friendships – be happy that they made the decision for you and left your life. The same friends who force you to marry someone, will be the first who gossip when something goes wrong.

Marriage as a cage 

There exists also the opposite: Friends being jealous of you for living your best life. This shows that there still exists the view that marriage is something like a cage – you must subordinate your own life, lose your own identity and stop working on your dreams.

„But is a relationship or marriage not about supporting each other to reach their dreams, give enough space to flourish and help the other person grow? If we feel like we are in a cage, is that the right person for us?“

Marriage is something beautiful, a source of happiness and inspiration – isn’t it cruel that a negative view also exists?

I think the negativity in a marriage overweighs only if you don’t choose the matching person. Why is it more important to choose anyone within a certain time instead of taking time for yourself and look if someone really matches to you?

„Divorces happen because the struggles in between you overweigh the reason why you got married. Building up a strong bond before marriage is indispensable for a happy long lasting marriage after.“

The conclusion: Marriage doesn‘t define the quality of the relationship.

The disaster of comparing ourselves 

Scrolling through our social media and discovering that even the unpopular girl from school gets married, supports this onesided view. Before everyone shouts aloud: that does not mean that we have a bigger right to settle down. Rather that we compare ourselves with others and define a part of ourselves by this process. That’s quite normal. But comparing ourselves makes us uncomfortable with what we are and do.

“Why I don’t have the gift to settle down with someone? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? Has it something to do with me?”

are the typical questions during this process. What we always forget is, that we all are individuals with different perspectives of life, values and standards. Maybe we would not accept someone who is perfect for someone else. That means that a marriage or an engagement of someone else wouldn’t make us happy either. You are different and that for a good reason.

„Don’t expect too much“

The problem from society’s view is: We do not lower our standards, because we just reached a certain age. I think most of us could have been in marriage if they wanted to. But knowing what you have to offer also means that you want someone who enriches your life and adds value to it. That does not mean that we are ready to throw everything away when we go through hard times. It is more about having a supportive, empowering and happy relationship.

And till we do not meet the one who makes our life more valuable, we choose to continue with the happy life we built up for ourselves. And most importantly: Reaching a certain age does not mean you have to choose the next one who crosses your way. Being desperate and selling yourself under your worth won’t make you happy in the long run.

„It’s your fault because your standards are too high“

Don’t let anyone tell you that you are too selective, your standards are too high or you must change your life to attract more men or women – the right one will meet your standards and match to your life. Next time when someone asks you: “What are you waiting for?” Tell them that: “Thank you for caring, but I am waiting for someone who matches to me and my standards. If not, I prefer being by myself and work on my dreams.” There will always be big eyes when you tell that you are happy with yourself and your life, because you don’t fit into their definition of happiness, but that is not your problem.

The best comment I read during my research was:

“Even if you were dating a serial rapist or murderer and you found out and break up, society expects to lose your selfconfidence and still go ahead and marry. It is such a big shame. Marriage is a huge responsibility. It is not a game. Don’t rush for any reason. At the end you are the one who will suffer.”

This comment describes very well, that society will not only push you into the wrong marriage but also will keep you in that unfulfilling relationship – to avoid that you become a social “failure”.

How many men and women are out there who wish that they had the courage to say earlier that their gut feeling is telling them to marry this person will be the wrong life choice? Stuck in the wrong relationship – sometimes even having children together. Children who were not the result of love, more the result of society pressure.

„But your biological clock ticks!“

The next reason for being married young is, that we should get children early to care for them good enough. Caring for your children has not to do anything with your age, but your maturity. Do you think just marrying someone, settle for less and build up a life different from that you dreamed of, would make your children happy? It is more about being a good role model, showing them what a loving and supportive relationship is about and educate them to good adults.

Having children in this time of an age is a challenge and with the wrong partner it could be a harder challenge as it already is. And everything because you wanted to be a young mother or father? Don’t understand me wrong – being a young mother is beautiful. At the beginning of my 20s I thought I would be a mother at my age (29) of at least one or two children. In contrast to this, I learned that choosing a life partner is also choosing who the father of your children is. The values that most of the women and men stand in for don’t represent our own. And how do you want to teach your children what is wrong and right if you and your spouse don’t agree in your view of life?

Crying yourself every night to sleep

Even the sentence “I will pray for you” we hear a lot. The next time we should response “I will pray for you too.”

“Praying for the people around us, that they do not make being unmarried and not having children to a weakness. Praying for them, to give them the sense, to discover that their standards of happiness does not fit to everyone they meet.”

Isn’t it rude to answer like that you will think? You think what if they say: “Your sharp tongue is the reason why you are not married yet.” But what would you say, if I tell you, that they are already overstepping an intimate boundary by asking you such questions or making this kind of comments? We are not hopeless – we are happy with what we have, we just want someone who makes life more beautiful.

What made me sad in particular were women who told that they were crying themselves every night to sleep. It seems that even the most confident persons are affected by such comments and questions. Feeling guilty for not meeting the right person yet and additionally getting the pressure from the surrounding, makes a lot of people break down – even depressive.

Marriage won’t complete you

Who looks for a person who closes the hole in their hearts, won’t be happy either. They forget that they are the only person who can do this. Don’t look for anyone, who completes you. Be completed by yourself and have someone who is an extra source of inspiration in your life. Life goes on after your 30^th birthday. Losing value may have been true in a century where marriage was mainly there for getting children, but nowadays it is more about than this. We learned over the decades, that we must keep in mind WHO we make to our life partner – not WHEN.

Happiness comes from your inside – do not give external validation the power to kill your happiness, your values and standards.

„See the spouse as an addition to your wonderful personality and life. Not as the solver for all your problems. And above all not as the person who takes all the society’s pressure from you.“

Don’t force something to fit, that does not fit into your life. And even more important: Don‘t put your life on hold until your spouse crosses your life. This will only cost you time and energy that you can better invest in yourself and your dreams.

It’s not their business, who you marry when!

People will always judge but you don’t owe explanations to anyone. The matching person will cross your way when you expect it at the least. Love and relationships are not about throwing everything away when you go through hard times. We do not expect to meet someone who meets all our needs. A relationship is also growing together and compromising, but we want to find someone who is worth the challenges in life. Some of us are happy to find the person in the early ages and some of us are not. In my opinion a “happy ending” never exists – life goes on after marriage.

It feels like that the men suffer less from the pressure of society than we women do. Do we have to accept all the comments, interventions and questions? We don’t. When you want to marry, who you want to marry and in which speed you will get children, is only the decision of yourself and your future spouse. That is not the business of society to define when you are allowed be happy!

And for those who even share their thoughts with good intentions: Be more sensitive. The people who are in the place of being unmarried and 25-30 have enough negativity to hear. Be in a place where you add value to their life and don’t be part of the society who robs the energy and time with such nonsense.

Take responsibility for your own happiness

Few days ago, I read this wonderful quote. There could not be anything more beautiful what describes what a marriage is about:

“And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children, your eating companion for about 20.000 meals, your travel companion for about 100 vacations, your primary leisure time and retirement friend, your career therapist and someone whose day you’ll hear about 18.000 times. Intense shit.” – thegoodquote

And now tell us that our standards are too high. Losing yourself because of the glam and the acceptance of the society will bring you to a place of unhappiness. Don’t be that flower which is plucked, exposed in a shady environment and is teached how to bloom and when. Be the flower that decides when to be plucked by whom and where to flourish in all variety of colours life has to offer. Take responsibility for your own happiness. It’s up to us to show society that happiness is more than a relationship status.

Wanna know more how to cope with the pressure of the society and family? Then this article – How today’s singles deal with Society’s pressure – with studies, scientistic research and evidences is a must-read!

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