There is good mental health and bad mental health, right? Well, that’s what I think anyway. We all have a bit of good mental health in us.

„But do we accept the fact we have bad mental health too?“

–These are the words from one of the strongest people in my life. I’ve seen akka go through many things and come out stronger each time. She’s though love, stubborn, dtermined but she’s also like a child. There are pictures of us three when we were younger where akka is literally holding onto me and Thanu. This just shows when it comes to loved ones she’s very protective. Still annoying. Today I want to share her experience concerning mental health with you.

I think back to my academia years and I think “Damn, I was suffering quite bad back then”. I think it started off with my parents’ divorce. Being the oldest, I was given the responsibility of looking after my younger sisters at the big age of 9 years old. Now at the time, I probably thought this was normal and went with it. But it was when I hit the teen years that I started to become rebellious.

The responsibility that was given to me grew into a need of wanting independence and thinking I know all in terms of what I want in life. Me and mum argued pretty much every day regarding studies and my life – who I hung out with and who I talk to. Going to an all-girls grammar school in a predominant Caucasian community didn’t really help.

The Pressure on my Shoulders

The stress of keeping our grades high so the school can have a great reputation and the pressure of having a boyfriend was real. Although I was this responsible-turned-rebellious teenager, I still helped mum with a lot of things like calling companies, talking on her behalf. I think sometimes I just wanted to be appreciated. And what partially added to it was growing up without a father figure. I was naturally drawn to anyone who gave me attention and I admit I still have that trait now (but I know what is best for me).

In year 10, I was put on the waiting list to see my school counsellor. Sessions that should have only been 3 weeks turned into 2 terms. Honestly, thank goodness for my student support manager. She was there at my worst and seen me at my best.

Now the arguing between me and mum lasted for a long time. From about when I was 14 until I was 18. Every day I wondered “when will it end”, “when am I leaving for uni?”, “when do I get the independence I want?” I just wanted to leave; my home wasn’t a home. It felt like the whole world was against me. I felt like I was the reason behind for most of mum’s “fits” which turned out to be extreme panic attacks.

„My teen life turned into pleasing other people but not myself. I found myself self-harming. God knows why, it just happened. I had to live with understanding what my mum was going through as a single mother as well as live a normal teenage life. What is a normal teenage life? I guess I will never know.“

First them, then me.

The pressure of being a family of just girls is almost uncommon in the “brown” community. My mum had to live with the fright that hers or our reputation would go down the drain with the smallest thing just because she was a single Asian mother with 3 young daughters. Every little thing I did was monitored by the Tamil community just waiting for me to slip. It’s because I have an outgoing personality, I was seen as a nuisance and my mum thought she had to make sure I don’t do anything silly otherwise “people will start talking”.

This was as small as giving a guy friend a hug, not even that – talking to a guy. It was ridiculous. Imagine having to refrain from doing stuff you want to do because people like to twist things for their benefit. I had a lot of “haters” in the Tamil community. Just because I was open to everything and liked making friends- I guess no one liked that.

„See now I would never let that bother me, but at an age where I just wanted to be friends with everyone, this hurt.“

The Result of not Feeling Good Enough: Anxiety

My teenage years are buried deep inside my mind somewhere. I don’t remember a lot of information. I know I struggled to sleep and had constant headaches which I did get help for. That’s why I went to my doctor secretly. He prescribed me with beta blockers (anxiety meds) because I was diagnosed with sleep anxiety. The thing with being from a South Asian household is that “stress” doesn’t exist.

„Whenever I mentioned I was stressed, it was beaten down with “What stress? Why are you stressed? What are you thinking about? Compared to me, you shouldn’t be going through any stress”. I love living the best of both worlds. I always have. But not being able to grow up like “everyone else” really took a toll, I guess.“

Unrelated to all this, I definitely admit my mental health was at its worst in 3^rd year of university. Nothing was going right, and I genuinely thought I was going to fail. I cried myself to sleep thinking why was I not good enough. I never cared about my mum shouting at me for not getting all As and A*s during school although that was stress and half but this, this I definitely cared. It felt like everything I was doing was for nothing; in my most important year!

What doesn’t Break you, Makes you Stronger!

But it takes a lot to keep on going, and I have learnt that hardships will lead onto something great *eventually*. I know I’m always going to go some sort of stress. I’m still a very independent person and I’m not afraid to voice how I feel. It literally is okay to not be okay and finding help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you stronger. That’s definitely something I’ve learnt. I’m thankful for the people who were there to listen to me, especially some of my friends growing up. Although, just like any other person, I make mistakes – but I’m glad I have friends and family to guide me, and I can openly talk to.

„But man, feeling alone and not being able to go anywhere sucks.“

 

— Suruthi —

Additions

This is PART III of our Mental Health series. See here the other articles of this category.

• Time to Open Doors for Mental Health Issues in South Asian Communities (Juvetha S. – PART I)
• No Medicine for the Soul – 6 ways ro revise self-hate into self-love (Desirée aka allcutified – Part II)

To see more wonderful posts like this, you can follow Juvetha on instagram! Here you can find the amazing writer of this article – Suruthi – on instagram.

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